Dr. Phil is obsessed with Britney and has been stalking her around town.

“I saw him with a glazed over look as he was hiding in the shrubbery outside of a Starbucks,” says an anonymous onlooker. “He had this weird expression as if he was on a drug or something. He was combing what’s left of his hair, as he looked into a compact mirror. It was as if he was grooming himself in case he ran into Britney.”

Other sources say every other word in his mouth is “Britney this and Britney that.” Someone close to the family said they noticed his daily planner had Britney’s name written on every page for the next year.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are saving the world by breeding like rabbits and adopting children from every nation. “We’d like to send the message that procreating is a great thing despite having a world that is overpopulated with shrinking resources. Just as Tom Cruise thinks it’s his duty to direct world leaders with his Scientology know-how, we think it’s our duty to save the world by breeding Bradgelina blue bloods.”

Rumor has it that their idea of breeding more “Bradgelina Blue Bloods” will aid them in infiltrating world leadership and ultimately saving the planet.

Jack Nicholson who has dabbled with sleep aid, Ambien, has been heard saying that he’d drive off a cliff for the stuff. He likes it that much!  Other things he would drive off a cliff for are twinkies, Jack Russell Terriers, and cognac.

Amy Winehouse, otherwise known as “Amy Wino,” is checking into rehab.

Part of her routine in rehab will be to down burgers, protein-laden shakes, and lots of fat in order to restore her frame to a reasonable weight – a weight that does not resemble an emaciated refugee or alien race.

Good luck, Amy. May you find yourself pleasantly plump by summer. We want to see thunder thighs and your boobs at a size C – like they used to be!

Chris Martin is willingly challenging the paparazzi to a fight.

Rumor has it that a boxing ring is set up in his home and in order to get out his aggressions he plans to pummel any celebrity photographer who is willing to put him up to the challenge. Oh, and be sure that he will take away your camera, too!

When your wife is exiting a hospital after being greatly ill, the last thing she wants is her rocker hubby getting into a fist fight with a photographer. But hey, if you like drama and insensitive people then you might be a good match for Mr. Martin.

Can you say “anger management?”

Some call it a wedding dress and others say it’s a retro gunny sax dress, but Hollwordz says it’s a granny dress that Britney has been wearing around town with ole man, Adnan Ghalib.

Rumor has it that she will be starring in an all new Hee Haw show coming up on a major network. She might even sport a granny hat with a dangling price tag.

Tomkat were in New York and were spotted videotaping their “amazing lady,” daughter Suri.

That’s right folks. Suri is growing at an unbelievable rate and is now considered to be a “lady” by parent, Katie. Since when have female toddlers been considered ladies? Well, maybe Tomkat know something we don’t. Maybe she is really a lady in that little baby body of hers. Maybe she is a transplant from the planet Orion and she is here to take over as the new “superior race.”

Or maybe Suri has been created by the Church of Scientology to help prevent the great apocolypse.

Lady Suri, do teach us the ways of the toddler. And explain to us how such a little one can find herself wearing such expensive, designer clothes?

Britney Spears has reportedly been looking for a new home, one preferably near a Starbucks. Starbucks baristas at a Hollywood location claim she is such a frequent customer that it’s been border lining on harassment. “She comes in here and demands a Frappaccino and then wants to use our bathroom,” says an irritable barista. “She has talked about camping outside our door until we open in the morning.” And now she wants her home right next to a Starbucks, “preferably across the street from one.”

Sean Stewart one of the many offspring of Rod Stewart’s was turned away from a hip Hollywood club called the Villa. It appears that Sean’s hair was too unkept. Security was overheard as suggesting that he comb his hair and that it works for his dad to have it that way, but not for him. Sean looked devastated. He was seen walking around the block to a dark alleyway where he pulled out a pocket comb and gave his hair a good combing. When he returned, it appears the security still would not let him in.

Hey Sean – maybe you should try back-combing your hair even more outrageously just to get more attention. Heck, it worked for Courtney Love! Oh, wait. Maybe Courtney’s hair just goes untouched for days for her to get that look.

Metamucil was the culprit for Britney’s long stay in the bathroom during the custody dispute. Sources say that Britney had been backed up for days because she wasn’t getting enough fiber in her diet.

Friends say that she thought pill popping and Vodka would do the job, but she soon realized a little Metamucil was needed to really get her plumbing going again.

When Kevin Federline arrived at the scene, she couldn’t control her bowels, and was running to the restroom before police arrived. The entire team of police offers had to wait patiently outside the restroom while a cacophony of sounds came from the bathroom where Brit was held up.

Thank God for Metamucil!