Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are saving the world by breeding like rabbits and adopting children from every nation. “We’d like to send the message that procreating is a great thing despite having a world that is overpopulated with shrinking resources. Just as Tom Cruise thinks it’s his duty to direct world leaders with his Scientology know-how, we think it’s our duty to save the world by breeding Bradgelina blue bloods.”

Rumor has it that their idea of breeding more “Bradgelina Blue Bloods” will aid them in infiltrating world leadership and ultimately saving the planet.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are up for another adoption. This time it will be a piglet from the island of Maui. When asked why they’ve decided to adopt a pig, their response was met with grief and speechlessness. After a little coaxing from a reporter, they came clean and admitted to their guilt for secret favoritisms they’ve encountered when adopting children from around the world. Because of the priorities they’ve been given in the “adoption lines” they’ve decided to quell the public envy and adopt a pig this time around.

“Pigs are abundant on the island of Maui and some go homeless, left to scavenge for their own survival. They fall plague to wild predators and sometimes they don’t even make it to a Luau after their demise,” says Angelina Jolie as she coddles the piglet of choice, which her and Brad have named, “Porko.”

Can we anticipate a family of piglets? “Maybe, down the road,” says Brad. “We might get Porko a little brother he can have around as company, so that he doesn’t feel like a minority in our home. Who knows, maybe as a bonding experience, Angelina and me will hop into the trough with him so he doesn’t feel alienated in his muddy surroundings.”