Dr. Phil is obsessed with Britney and has been stalking her around town.

“I saw him with a glazed over look as he was hiding in the shrubbery outside of a Starbucks,” says an anonymous onlooker. “He had this weird expression as if he was on a drug or something. He was combing what’s left of his hair, as he looked into a compact mirror. It was as if he was grooming himself in case he ran into Britney.”

Other sources say every other word in his mouth is “Britney this and Britney that.” Someone close to the family said they noticed his daily planner had Britney’s name written on every page for the next year.

Some call it a wedding dress and others say it’s a retro gunny sax dress, but Hollwordz says it’s a granny dress that Britney has been wearing around town with ole man, Adnan Ghalib.

Rumor has it that she will be starring in an all new Hee Haw show coming up on a major network. She might even sport a granny hat with a dangling price tag.

Britney Spears has reportedly been looking for a new home, one preferably near a Starbucks. Starbucks baristas at a Hollywood location claim she is such a frequent customer that it’s been border lining on harassment. “She comes in here and demands a Frappaccino and then wants to use our bathroom,” says an irritable barista. “She has talked about camping outside our door until we open in the morning.” And now she wants her home right next to a Starbucks, “preferably across the street from one.”

Metamucil was the culprit for Britney’s long stay in the bathroom during the custody dispute. Sources say that Britney had been backed up for days because she wasn’t getting enough fiber in her diet.

Friends say that she thought pill popping and Vodka would do the job, but she soon realized a little Metamucil was needed to really get her plumbing going again.

When Kevin Federline arrived at the scene, she couldn’t control her bowels, and was running to the restroom before police arrived. The entire team of police offers had to wait patiently outside the restroom while a cacophony of sounds came from the bathroom where Brit was held up.

Thank God for Metamucil!

Adnan Ghalib, Britney Spear’s latest heartthrob met her while taking her photo.

“It was love at site, through da lenses, of course.” Sources claim Adnan has said. “I am so used to photography of this beauty that I not sure why she sees in da me.”

Adnan’s broken English has Britney fans both charmed and disgusted.

While smoking at a gas station, Britney threw her butt out the window, started to drive off and then blew up the gas station.

“I thought she had enough stuff blowing up around her,” said an on-looker.

Britney managed to remain unscathed. Sources say it’s a blessing she is bald, because she would have had a head full of flames otherwise.

The gas station attendant wasn’t so lucky. His eyebrows were singed and he’s forever been left with a memory of what it’s like to cross Britney’s path.

Some time ago when Kevin and Britney were on friendlier terms, he had bought her a gun. Why, what a lovely gift to give to your loved one!

And now sources say that he claims to be afraid that she had the gun while she was held up in a room with the two children, just moments away of getting whisked off on the gurney.

Guns are so overrated and romanticized even.

Take the lyrics to the new M.I.A. song:

All I wanna do is (BANG BANG BANG BANG!)
And (KKKAAAA CHING!)
And take your money

While Britney was at Cedars Sinai, sources say that Dr. Phil made a surprise visit.

I can hear it now. “Britney, you need to come to terms with your bipolar condition. Now are you with me?” (said in the country twang of Dr. Phil’s voice). “You need to be serious about your life. One day it’s a shaved head the next day it’s a hot pink glam hair do. Britney, those different colored wigs gotta go.”

Sources say Britney’s son, Jayden was looked over at the hospital after her admittance. He had some scratches but nothing that alarmed officials.

And to think that her kids have managed to be unscathed after riding in the lap of their mama, without a seatbelt! Now that is truly remarkable!

After being locked down to a gurney and hauled off to the hospital, Britney was witnessing (if not very conscious) the letting go of her children to a man who likes to party it up in Vegas.

They say a lot of shit goes down once you hit your late 20s – that is, your inner stuff starts to surface and then bubbles over when you get to that age range. It looks as though there is a A LOT for her to process now.

The world loves to put these pop icons on a pedestal only to knock them down fiercely once they’ve reached success. It seems as though poor Britney is experiencing this simultaneously, with the crash/burn age of late 20s and the external factors of some poor decisions.

Good luck, girl. You need it. 

1. Get off the drugs
2. Get into therapy
3. Take a LONG break from Hollywood